The beginning half of 2015 for me looked very different to the end half of the year, which honestly I can say does bring up a little nervousness in me but also equal excitement at how much life can change in such a short period of time.
At the beginning of the year I was in a very unloving, abusive relationship that I was trying with all my heart and soul to make work, but the damage was too great by that stage, damage that we had both done, the abuse was mutual and the acceptance of it was mutual too. I was experiencing high levels of anxiety and fear and so called it quits around the end of February and moved into a new home on my own in which I was paying considerable more rent ($420 a week on my own) which brought it's own anxiety and fear.
I chose to practice trust and surrender to the universe and the spiritual realms that guide me. When I applied for this house I was not the strongest candidate. A single woman on her own who was in the first year of a yoga & meditation business ha! But I gave my landlords my presence and took time to engage with them when inspecting the home. I consciously chose to leave them feeling acknowledged and appreciated for the beautiful property that they own which is now my home. It is a gorgeous little cottage. Have you seen my instagram pics?
So yes, they chose me as their new tennant and when I found out I burst into tears. Tears of joy at feeling supported by the universe to have me chosen for this beautiful cottage and tears at the change I was facing, the releasing of a relationship that I was soooo attached to making work as well as the exorbitant rent I was about to start paying. How the f*&k was I to afford $420 a week on my own in my first year of business?
Boy did I practice surrender last year! Not only was I observing, allowing and surrendering my own limiting beliefs, fears and anxious emotions around money but also others who were like "Whoah Mish what are you doing?".
I would say to myself over and over that Oprah wouldn't find $420 per week expensive why should I? Oprah is just a person too! That actually helped. I also decided I would be grateful for what I had. I wouldn't let my fear ruin the joy I felt to be in my home. And so I consciously and with much determination allowed myself to enjoy the house. I gave her a name "Honey" so that I could walk through the door and say "Honey I'm home!" I would look up at the mountain that is literally in my backyard and feel her supporting me and I took regular walks to the beach which is at the end of my street, enveloping myself with beauty.
I'm proud to say I paid $420 a week by myself without using any of my savings until late October when I decided to get housemates in to help out so that I could begin to save money. I now live with 3 awesome people, who are so positive and easy going, who enrich my life and I only pay $85 per week as my portion of the rent woot woot!! I have also held countless Women's Moon Gatherings and Meditation Retreats in Honey's beautiful little walls and everyone who visits says she feels like a warm hug.
I feel like this "rent experience" last year was to stretch what I believe was possible for me and to relentlessly practice surrender and trust. I didn't sacrifice much throughout the year, obviously I didn't spend outrageously however I still managed to afford to pay a life coach for support which cost me $2,000 as well. And honestly I share this with you as I'm so stoked with what is possible and hope it inspires you too!
RELATIONSHIPS & LOVE
Throughout the beginning of the year I also experienced the pain of loss and grief, letting go of the relationship with my ex. I relived much of the pain in my mind and yet again chose to approach it in a different way. Rather than go out and get busy, I stayed inside, by myself and cried or felt it out. I had moments of panic attacks, heart ache, self judgment and regret. But all the while didn't shy away from the experience. I wanted to move through it not avoid or suppress it. Thank goodness for my Kundalini Yoga training as it really taught me to be able to hold the uncomfortable experiences rather than resist them.
It was a ridiculously painful experience and yet again I rigorously practiced thought control, firstly by allowing thoughts to be there and then to rewire patterns. Anytime I would think thoughts of how sh*t I was as a girlfriend I would replay the scenario the way I would have loved to have been, how I would choose to be now. Anytime I thought about happy memories and what I had lost or missed, I would think about how I had contributed to those times being awesome.
Along the journey of healing, I began to date again which brought it's own series of challenges haha! My attachments to security came up full force. Wanting to know where things were going, wanting to make them go a certain way. I didn't act upon my attachments however (this time haha!), I saw them, felt them and kept reciting to myself "I don't need you, I just enjoy your company." I allowed certain connections to go how they went, to fall away or to build into something as they did.
I really decided this time that this was my life and I needed to be responsible for it, not be unconsciously or consciously hoping that a man would come along and ease the financial strain, make me feel like I had someone to fall back on when the sh*t hit the fan or even to run by different decisions I had to make regarding my business or anything really in life. I fully owned my own life. What do I really want? How do I want my life to be? And how can I take responsibility for making that happen? That's not to say that I don't accept support along the way, just that I'm not looking for it, not needing it, not expecting it. I can have an awesomely satisfying life on my own or with a partner.
My other f*cking awesome revelation that has changed my life is that relationships are not about receiving. It just popped into my consciousness one day. Probably inspired from reflecting at my past poor behaviour in relationships. Now this was a massively hard one for me to finally fully get. I mean why would I want a relationship if I wasn't receiving anything from it? Well, it's a good question isn't it? ;-)
All my relationship life since I was 16 (and I'm now 34) I have been looking for "what's in it for me?" Like seriously, what qualities do you have that I like, might need, lets do a trade of stuff. I'll give you this if you give me that. Hey, you're not giving me this anymore, so why should I give you that? P*ss off then! I'll find someone better, more inspiring, less selfish, more giving ..... hmmmmm. Mirrors, mirrors, everywhere!!
When I could see the gift in that realisation, you don't receive ANYTHING in relationships, I was then free! Right then, how can I receive? Ahhhhh I need to give to myself, be responsible for getting my needs met myself awesome! And then why do I want a relationship? Ahhhhh that's about purely just wanting to make someone elses day awesome. Because I want to. Not because they're demanding it either. Just because I want to leave that person feeling better having interacted with me. Actually all my relationships are about that! And it only took me 16 years to figure that one out! Haha!
So then I attracted a totally different relationship into my life towards the end of the year, one in which I just want to make his day awesome. And funnily enough he mirrors me in this. So he's totally up for making my day awesome too.
MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP
Attracting my current partner this year has also had me practice letting go of certainty and the future. I have often used relationships as "future security". I can know I will have this partner and can fall back on him and everything will feel more secure.
Well my current partner is 22 and I'm 34. So that's a considerable "life stage" gap. I am heading towards my potential "baby making" years and he is just getting clear on what he wants from his life. But I love him. So I was confronted a little by this when we were first hanging out. And to be honest, I'm still confronted by this. But similar to the rent situation earlier in the year, I'm letting go and trusting.
Whether I'm with a 22 year old or someone my age, no relationship is certain long term, and since I don't want babies right this very minute, I would only be ending our relationship out of fear of future hurt, and I'm choosing love not fear in my life. So there you go, to be continued ...
Two invaluable realisations about men that my ex taught me and that I fully practiced in 2015 are ...
1) Men actually don't want to hurt you. They don't want to disappoint you either.
2) Men want to be your Hero.
Of course there are times when we women get hurt and disappointed. It's inevitable. But we get to choose the way in which we communicate it don't we? I had to accept that men are humans too! Gasp! And they're going to f*ck up once in a while, perhaps multiple times. I have begun to slow down, feel my feelings of hurt and disappointment and then decide how to express them, sometimes if at all. And I don't mean that I suppress them. I just ask myself, am I being kind here. Is this going to make him feel deflated or empowered? And sometimes I use my disappointment and hurt to benefit me. It's an opportunity to be more loving than ever and to totally blow his mind.
An example: My current partner, he is clumsy and breaks things ... often. He has broken plates, wine glasses and my car. He always spills water and sh*t all over the place and himself. It's disappointing when he breaks something I love, say my car, when I let him borrow it and he drove over something and ripped the front bumper off it.
Yeah it's annoying I have to get it fixed, I feel that frustration in my chest and breath, but I have two choices. I can either project my frustration and disappointment out and make him feel sh*t too, let him have it (do I honestly think that's going to teach him anything?) or I could have a laugh, call "First World Problem" (which is a little saying we have when something goes wrong, or something breaks that really isn't that important, I mean I'm blessed to have a car at all!) and have compassion for him. He was beating himself up enough over my car, why would I add to that? I want to make his day awesome, so I did. I said "Babe, its a car, it can be fixed, at least no one was hurt, how funny that you borrowed my car and you did that!" and laughed about how cute and clumsy he is. When he went to get a quote to get it fixed the mechanic said "Geez how did your girlfriend take it?" My boyf told him and he was like "Wow, keep that one!" See how it works in my benefit?! ;-)
But what a gift it is to make it safe for someone to make mistakes. That's what I want to give to my relationship. And I know men don't want to disappoint or hurt a woman, so I remind myself that he doesn't do these things on purpose and then swing it in my benefit by being unconditionally loving. Score for us both!!
He also wants to be my hero, so whenever he does anything for me, mows the lawn, does the dishes, says something that helps me, makes me a coffee, I want to make him feel like it makes a massive difference to me, that he is my hero. It makes him feel good. And if you've ever been on your own for an extended period of time doing EVERYTHING yourself, then if someone, whoever it is, does the dishes for you it actually is a MASSIVE deal. It is something you want to kiss their feet for.
This year I've decided (daily reminder) to make it easy for my man to be my Hero and honestly since doing this, my man only wants to do more and more for me, because it makes him feel so awesome. Again, score for us both!!
So 2015 truly transformed me in the realm of relationships and love. What I started with at the beginning of the year to what I am experiencing now are worlds apart!
FRIENDS AND SOUL FAMILY
The other truly wonderful thing that showed up for me was my soulmate girl tribe. I really believe both women and men need to have a tribe. Those people you know you can fall back on when the sh*t hits the fan, and that its not just your partner you're relying on. It's given me the security I was looking for in a relationship.
I met three of my closest girlfriends in July/August who are real and get my spiritual mumbo jumbo and tell me how it is and love me profusely and go out partying with me and sit on the couch and have tea. We talk daily. We see each other at least weekly.
I had girlfriends before these three came along which are also so supportive, but in 2015 they were all having babies, getting married and buying houses and setting up their own businesses so at the start of the year I had A LOT of cold, winter alone time. I'd go on long walks by myself to pass the time, which was lovely, but I was lonely. I wanted a family. All my family live in another state to me so I can't just pop around to mum's place. These girlfriends popped into my life at the perfect time. Enough time for me to make peace with my loneliness but not too much that I was turning into a crazy hermit lady.
As well as these girlfriends magically arriving, I started hanging out in a local cafe that felt like home to me and met the awesome business owners who have become like family to me. I scored myself a shift in the cafe which helped with my finances and scored myself the barista as my boyf.
So throughout 2015 I've come from abusive, anxious inducing relationship, heart breakingly lonely and stretched financially to loved up both in my relationship and by my soul family and less pressured financially.
But mostly I have grown courage. Courage to feel through the ups and downs of life. And fully accepting that this is the design of life. We aren't here to be happy all the time. If I hadn't gone through the challenges of the beginning of this year I wouldn't have prospered so significantly in these areas of my life or been able to recognise them as the immeasurable gifts that they are. And who knows what 2016 holds for me. Given the change that can happen within a year, lets see where I am in a couple of months haha!!
I also wouldn't have been able to practice trust and surrender and truly experience myself being carried and guided spiritually. This one aspect gives me so much peace. So no matter what I'm faced with, and there will be inevitable challenges in the future, I can trust and surrender. It will pass and I can find peace in the agony of it while it lasts.
I feel like I've grown as a human and as a teacher. I now have way more depth in what to draw from in my teaching for this upcoming year. And I can't wait to share it all with my students.
2016 for me is a year I'd like to take on the truth of money and abundance. Although I did stretch myself last year, I know there's so much more I can learn around the spiritual world of abundance and manifestation. Like what is the real truth of it? Is it about sacrifice, or can abundance come to you with ease and grace? Or is it a little of both? I'd like to find out the truth of it, so bring it on!!
I hope you've enjoyed reading my year in review and my sincere hope is that my sharing benefits you in some way along your journey. And if you'd like to hang out in person throughout the year, head back to my HOME PAGE which has a list of all my classes and courses coming up and then I can share with you what's opening up for me in the world of money and abundance as well as support you in those areas of life which challenged me last year xx
Love, peace, agony & ecstasy,