I don't know about you but 2015 was a doosy year for me! Although, now I look back and think thank goodness I went through all of that as I have a newfound stability that I couldn't have accessed not having experienced the pressure of 2015. 

The beginning half of 2015 for me looked very different to the end half of the year, which honestly I can say does bring up a little nervousness in me but also equal excitement at how much life can change in such a short period of time.  

MONEY

At the beginning of the year I was in a very unloving, abusive relationship that I was trying with all my heart and soul to make work, but the damage was too great by that stage, damage that we had both done, the abuse was mutual and the acceptance of it was mutual too. I was experiencing high levels of anxiety and fear and so called it quits around the end of February and moved into a new home on my own in which I was paying considerable more rent ($420 a week on my own) which brought it's own anxiety and fear. 

I chose to practice trust and surrender to the universe and the spiritual realms that guide me. When I applied for this house I was not the strongest candidate. A single woman on her own who was in the first year of a yoga & meditation business ha! But I gave my landlords my presence and took time to engage with them when inspecting the home. I consciously chose to leave them feeling acknowledged and appreciated for the beautiful property that they own which is now my home. It is a gorgeous little cottage. Have you seen my instagram pics?

So yes, they chose me as their new tennant and when I found out I burst into tears. Tears of joy at feeling supported by the universe to have me chosen for this beautiful cottage and tears at the change I was facing, the releasing of a relationship that I was soooo attached to making work as well as the exorbitant rent I was about to start paying. How the f*&k was I to afford $420 a week on my own in my first year of business? 

Boy did I practice surrender last year! Not only was I observing, allowing and surrendering my own limiting beliefs, fears and anxious emotions around money but also others who were like "Whoah Mish what are you doing?". 

I would say to myself over and over that Oprah wouldn't find $420 per week expensive why should I? Oprah is just a person too! That actually helped. I also decided I would be grateful for what I had. I wouldn't let my fear ruin the joy I felt to be in my home. And so I consciously and with much determination allowed myself to enjoy the house. I gave her a name "Honey" so that I could walk through the door and say "Honey I'm home!" I would look up at the mountain that is literally in my backyard and feel her supporting me and I took regular walks to the beach which is at the end of my street, enveloping myself with beauty. 

I'm proud to say I paid $420 a week by myself without using any of my savings until late October when I decided to get housemates in to help out so that I could begin to save money. I now live with 3 awesome people, who are so positive and easy going, who enrich my life and I only pay $85 per week as my portion of the rent woot woot!! I have also held countless Women's Moon Gatherings and Meditation Retreats in Honey's beautiful little walls and everyone who visits says she feels like a warm hug. 

I feel like this "rent experience" last year was to stretch what I believe was possible for me and to relentlessly practice surrender and trust. I didn't sacrifice much throughout the year, obviously I didn't spend outrageously however I still managed to afford to pay a life coach for support which cost me $2,000 as well. And honestly I share this with you as I'm so stoked with what is possible and hope it inspires you too!

RELATIONSHIPS & LOVE

Throughout the beginning of the year I also experienced the pain of loss and grief, letting go of the relationship with my ex. I relived much of the pain in my mind and yet again chose to approach it in a different way. Rather than go out and get busy, I stayed inside, by myself and cried or felt it out. I had moments of panic attacks, heart ache, self judgment and regret. But all the while didn't shy away from the experience. I wanted to move through it not avoid or suppress it. Thank goodness for my Kundalini Yoga training as it really taught me to be able to hold the uncomfortable experiences rather than resist them. 

It was a ridiculously painful experience and yet again I rigorously practiced thought control, firstly by allowing thoughts to be there and then to rewire patterns. Anytime I would think thoughts of how sh*t I was as a girlfriend I would replay the scenario the way I would have loved to have been, how I would choose to be now. Anytime I thought about happy memories and what I had lost or missed, I would think about how I had contributed to those times being awesome. 

Along the journey of healing, I began to date again which brought it's own series of challenges haha! My attachments to security came up full force. Wanting to know where things were going, wanting to make them go a certain way. I didn't act upon my attachments however (this time haha!), I saw them, felt them and kept reciting to myself "I don't need you, I just enjoy your company." I allowed certain connections to go how they went, to fall away or to build into something as they did. 

I really decided this time that this was my life and I needed to be responsible for it, not be unconsciously or consciously hoping that a man would come along and ease the financial strain, make me feel like I had someone to fall back on when the sh*t hit the fan or even to run by different decisions I had to make regarding my business or anything really in life. I fully owned my own life. What do I really want? How do I want my life to be? And how can I take responsibility for making that happen? That's not to say that I don't accept support along the way, just that I'm not looking for it, not needing it, not expecting it. I can have an awesomely satisfying life on my own or with a partner. 

My other f*cking awesome revelation that has changed my life is that relationships are not about receiving. It just popped into my consciousness one day. Probably inspired from reflecting at my past poor behaviour in relationships. Now this was a massively hard one for me to finally fully get. I mean why would I want a relationship if I wasn't receiving anything from it? Well, it's a good question isn't it? ;-)

All my relationship life since I was 16 (and I'm now 34) I have been looking for "what's in it for me?" Like seriously, what qualities do you have that I like, might need, lets do a trade of stuff. I'll give you this if you give me that. Hey, you're not giving me this anymore, so why should I give you that? P*ss off then! I'll find someone better, more inspiring, less selfish, more giving ..... hmmmmm. Mirrors, mirrors, everywhere!!

When I could see the gift in that realisation, you don't receive ANYTHING in relationships, I was then free! Right then, how can I receive? Ahhhhh I need to give to myself, be responsible for getting my needs met myself awesome! And then why do I want a relationship? Ahhhhh that's about purely just wanting to make someone elses day awesome. Because I want to. Not because they're demanding it either. Just because I want to leave that person feeling better having interacted with me. Actually all my relationships are about that! And it only took me 16 years to figure that one out! Haha!

So then I attracted a totally different relationship into my life towards the end of the year, one in which I just want to make his day awesome. And funnily enough he mirrors me in this. So he's totally up for making my day awesome too.  

MY CURRENT RELATIONSHIP

Attracting my current partner this year has also had me practice letting go of certainty and the future. I have often used relationships as "future security". I can know I will have this partner and can fall back on him and everything will feel more secure. 

Well my current partner is 22 and I'm 34. So that's a considerable "life stage" gap. I am heading towards my potential "baby making" years and he is just getting clear on what he wants from his life. But I love him. So I was confronted a little by this when we were first hanging out. And to be honest, I'm still confronted by this. But similar to the rent situation earlier in the year, I'm letting go and trusting.

Whether I'm with a 22 year old or someone my age, no relationship is certain long term, and since I don't want babies right this very minute, I would only be ending our relationship out of fear of future hurt, and I'm choosing love not fear in my life. So there you go, to be continued ...

MEN 

​Two invaluable realisations about men that my ex taught me and that I fully practiced in 2015 are ...

1) Men actually don't want to hurt you. They don't want to disappoint you either.
2) Men want to be your Hero.

Of course there are times when we women get hurt and disappointed. It's inevitable. But we get to choose the way in which we communicate it don't we? I had to accept that men are humans too! Gasp! And they're going to f*ck up once in a while, perhaps multiple times. I have begun to slow down, feel my feelings of hurt and disappointment and then decide how to express them, sometimes if at all. And I don't mean that I suppress them. I just ask myself, am I being kind here. Is this going to make him feel deflated or empowered? And sometimes I use my disappointment and hurt to benefit me. It's an opportunity to be more loving than ever and to totally blow his mind. 

An example: My current partner, he is clumsy and breaks things ... often. He has broken plates, wine glasses and my car. He always spills water and sh*t all over the place and himself. It's disappointing when he breaks something I love, say my car, when I let him borrow it and he drove over something and ripped the front bumper off it.

Yeah it's annoying I have to get it fixed, I feel that frustration in my chest and breath, but I have two choices. I can either project my frustration and disappointment out and make him feel sh*t too, let him have it (do I honestly think that's going to teach him anything?) or I could have a laugh, call "First World Problem" (which is a little saying we have when something goes wrong, or something breaks that really isn't that important, I mean I'm blessed to have a car at all!) and have compassion for him. He was beating himself up enough over my car, why would I add to that? I want to make his day awesome, so I did. I said "Babe, its a car, it can be fixed, at least no one was hurt, how funny that you borrowed my car and you did that!" and laughed about how cute and clumsy he is. When he went to get a quote to get it fixed the mechanic said "Geez how did your girlfriend take it?" My boyf told him and he was like "Wow, keep that one!" See how it works in my benefit?! ;-)

But what a gift it is to make it safe for someone to make mistakes. That's what I want to give to my relationship. And I know men don't want to disappoint or hurt a woman, so I remind myself that he doesn't do these things on purpose and then swing it in my benefit by being unconditionally loving. Score for us both!!

He also wants to be my hero, so whenever he does anything for me, mows the lawn, does the dishes, says something that helps me, makes me a coffee, I want to make him feel like it makes a massive difference to me, that he is my hero. It makes him feel good. And if you've ever been on your own for an extended period of time doing EVERYTHING yourself, then if someone, whoever it is, does the dishes for you it actually is a MASSIVE deal. It is something you want to kiss their feet for.

This year I've decided (daily reminder) to make it easy for my man to be my Hero and honestly since doing this, my man only wants to do more and more for me, because it makes him feel so awesome. Again, score for us both!! 

So 2015 truly transformed me in the realm of relationships and love. What I started with at the beginning of the year to what I am experiencing now are worlds apart!

FRIENDS AND SOUL FAMILY

The other truly wonderful thing that showed up for me was my soulmate girl tribe. I really believe both women and men need to have a tribe. Those people you know you can fall back on when the sh*t hits the fan, and that its not just your partner you're relying on. It's given me the security I was looking for in a relationship. 

I met three of my closest girlfriends in July/August who are real and get my spiritual mumbo jumbo and tell me how it is and love me profusely and go out partying with me and sit on the couch and have tea. We talk daily. We see each other at least weekly.

I had girlfriends before these three came along which are also so supportive, but in 2015 they were all having babies, getting married and buying houses and setting up their own businesses so at the start of the year I had A LOT of cold, winter alone time. I'd go on long walks by myself to pass the time, which was lovely, but I was lonely. I wanted a family. All my family live in another state to me so I can't just pop around to mum's place. These girlfriends popped into my life at the perfect time. Enough time for me to make peace with my loneliness but not too much that I was turning into a crazy hermit lady. 

As well as these girlfriends magically arriving, I started hanging out in a local cafe that felt like home to me and met the awesome business owners who have become like family to me. I scored myself a shift in the cafe which helped with my finances and scored myself the barista as my boyf. 

IN REVIEW

So throughout 2015 I've come from abusive, anxious inducing relationship, heart breakingly lonely and stretched financially to loved up both in my relationship and by my soul family and less pressured financially. 

But mostly I have grown courage. Courage to feel through the ups and downs of life. And fully accepting that this is the design of life. We aren't here to be happy all the time. If I hadn't gone through the challenges of the beginning of this year I wouldn't have prospered so significantly in these areas of my life or been able to recognise them as the immeasurable gifts that they are. And who knows what 2016 holds for me. Given the change that can happen within a year, lets see where I am in a couple of months haha!!

I also wouldn't have been able to practice trust and surrender and truly experience myself being carried and guided spiritually. This one aspect gives me so much peace. So no matter what I'm faced with, and there will be inevitable challenges in the future, I can trust and surrender. It will pass and I can find peace in the agony of it while it lasts.

I feel like I've grown as a human and as a teacher. I now have way more depth in what to draw from in my teaching for this upcoming year. And I can't wait to share it all with my students. 

2016 for me is a year I'd like to take on the truth of money and abundance. Although I did stretch myself last year, I know there's so much more I can learn around the spiritual world of abundance and manifestation. Like what is the real truth of it? Is it about sacrifice, or can abundance come to you with ease and grace? Or is it a little of both? I'd like to find out the truth of it, so bring it on!!

I hope you've enjoyed reading my year in review and my sincere hope is that my sharing benefits you in some way along your journey. And if you'd like to hang out in person throughout the year, head back to my HOME PAGE which has a list of all my classes and courses coming up and then I can share with you what's opening up for me in the world of money and abundance as well as support you in those areas of life which challenged me last year xx

Love, peace, agony & ecstasy, 

SON OF PENTACLES
The overall theme of the year is in the Pentacles Family which relates to our money, career and businesses. There are four other Pentacle cards within our reading as well as four Sword cards, relating to action and intellect and our constructive and deconstructive tendencies.  
It looks like 2016 could be a year for working through and transforming how we relate to business, abundance and material objects. 
The Son of Pentacles is loyal, determined and trustworthy but can also become stubborn and focused on faults. This card also reminds us to not become unbalanced in our career endeavors and to remember the people in our lives and nurture our relationships. You don't want to get to the end of 2016 having achieved your career, business or abundance goals and have no one to share them with.  

FOUR OF PENTACLES
Challenges you in January to begin looking at your concept of wealth. You may feel the excitement and inspiration of all the possibilites of the New Year however if money is flowing to you, ensure it is also flowing out with love and creating prosperity to others. Beware of becoming controlling or possessive about your abundance around fear. 
Mish Share: Last year I was contemplating living overseas for an extended period of time and so thoughts of what to do with all my household stuff were flooding in. When I started to think about culling my clothing and jewelry I began to feel fear. What if I wanted to wear that stuff in the future? I began to question why I doubted my ability to manifest new things as they were needed so that I could have freedom to allow old things to go. It was an interested realisation. I believe I can't let go of things because I may never be able to manifest them again. No wonder new things don't flow in. (PS: I'm still on this journey and what I'm opening to learning in 2016)

TWO OF PENTACLES
This card indicates change, and because it is a Pentacles Card it relates to change in business, a new job, financial situation or perhaps a new location. Change is always challenging as we tend to want certainty, to know exactly how things will pan out, however if we can let go of the need for certainty, feel our fear, feel where it is in our body but not react to it and use this sensation as a reminder to become present, look around us, see what gift the present moment holds, what magic there is for us to see or experience right now, then we can let go of needing to know what the future holds and the journey becomes enjoyable, even in times of change.

SIX OF SWORDS
March is a hopeful card. If we have experienced the challenge of change in February then March is  letting you know there will be recovery but to remember to rest and relax, balance the things "you have to do" with the things "you want to do". Remember you get to choose. Ask yourself "Who is making me do this?" Generally the answer is ourselves, and when you realise it is only yourself who is pressuring yourself then you can choose differently. The Six of Swords says to plan a fun trip, be with friends and have some fun. 

MOTHER OF PENTACLES
The Mother of Pentacles is domestic so this card relates to the home, children or family in April. It is warning a potential for getting too wrapped up in situations of the home or the people in your family, perhaps linking your identity too closely to these people or your role within this dynamic. Even if you are living alone, perhaps thoughts around family or the home are arising. 
There is a great video I watched the other day about being a mother in the modern world, but even if you're not a mother or a woman for that matter it has a great message around filling ourselves first so that we can be there for others, or more importantly, giving ourselves permission to do so.
​WATCH THE VIDEO HERE

SEVEN OF CUPS
Cups related to our emotions and this card in May indicates that we may feel the urge to cut corners, to access pleasure more quickly and avoid or judge our pain and challenge or to shortcut to our financial goals. It suggests that we step away for a while until we can re-centre, get support to be able to go through the challenges, to stay true to our path, to know that life is about ups and downs, that it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong if we go through a down, its just another experience to be had. 
This is when I would increase the spiritual practices that support me, primarily if I am resisting challenge I would choose Kundalini Yoga & Meditation as it helps me access my Navel Power, my courage, my will, whilst quieting my mind which tends to judge and resist my experience rather than feel into it. 

MOTHER OF SWORDS
The Mother of Swords is all seeing and all knowing. In June again there is a tendency to judge or criticize our experience. My message in all of my classes and courses is that there is no "getting to happiness". We have been sold a lie. Life is ups and downs until the day we die. Your life will be sh*t until the day that you die and your life will be awesome until the day you die. That is the balance of life. And how freeing to accept that! Once you realise that life is a series of ups and downs, when you're in a down period you can ride it out with peace and ease knowing it's not forever and maybe even begin to "enjoy" the experience of it, use it as an opportunity to feel into the dichotomy of life, knowing the more you feel into the uncomfortable the more joy you experience from the comfortable. Accepting that life is a series of ups and downs also allows you to not get attached to the up times and subsequently feel fear about losing them. You know that eventually the up times will end too and so you can be present and grateful for them while they last, not afraid of losing them as you know you will. So throughout June practice allowing, practice letting go of judgement to whatever your experiencing, comfortable or uncomfortable. When you can be with any experience you have immense power and freedom. Life can flow and happen and you can experience it in a state of peace and allowing. This is the ultimate journey of life.

THE HANGED MAN
Again a card suggesting it is time to let go of attachment and judgment. It seems that May, June, July and even August is a powerful period to really practice surrender. To fully go into whatever the sensation, emotion, thought process and fully feel it. Fully feeling, give up our resistance and judgement is what I believe is true self-love. When you judge an experience as wrong, an emotion as undesireable, a thought process as stupid you are denying a part of yourself in that moment. You are saying that you are wrong. When you can allow all of your experiences, all of your emotions, all of your thoughts and just feel them, you experience transcendence over your experience and as I said before, uncomfortable experiences become opportunities to experience deeper and deeper levels of peace. 

EIGHT OF SWORDS
In August, as previously mentioned, the challenge will continue. You may have feelings of being trapped or powerless, but continue to keep playing with the idea that this too shall pass, accepting the ups and downs of life and feeling into ALL experiences. Always get the support you need in challenging times, but make sure that the practices you seek out are not about fixing or changing your experience but assisting you to "be with" the experience. Again I suggest Kundalini Yoga & Meditation or Vipassana Meditation. These are both practices that have you feel into all sensations in the body and watch them as they move and change without resistance. You really experience the transcendence that comes through full self acceptance. 

DAUGHTER OF PENTACLES
In September we will experience our true power. We will have come through the uncomfortable experiences and practiced non-resitance and non-judgment and have a newfound sense of inner stability knowing we can allow all experiences of life. Remembering this year is about our career, business and money, the Daughter of Pentacles also suggests this inner stability will be experienced in this area of our life. So we may have been challenged in our thoughts, emotions and sensations relating to our money, career or businesses for a few months and now we can choose how to act rather than react out of fear or resistance. We become free! 

SEVEN OF SWORDS
In October its time to recognise the last hidden or secret thoughts, beliefs or behaviours that we may not have fully accepted. Now that you have the skill to be able to allow all thoughts, feelings and sensations, any lingering, deep remnants can come to the surface to be observed, felt and healed.  

THE TOWER
As so much has been healed and transformed over the last couple of months November will be a time of change. As you have been doing the deep inner work throughout the year, allowing both your darkness and your light to be experienced, your external circumstances will begin to shift and change. Remember not to resist this change. Remember what you learnt in February. Reflect on how differently you approach these changes. Again, be with whatever sensations arise and allow them to pass through. These changes will be experienced by you as a personal breakthrough.  

FATHER OF WANDS
Your inner work is paying off. You are able to hold steady in conflicted times. You have observed all of your inner workings around career, money and business. You are now less reactive to your previously held beliefs, emotions and thoughts. You can now choose how you want to be, what you want to believe, and have peace as all sensations arise and pass through you. Fear, doubt & anguish can exist within you as can ease, excitement and certainty. No matter what you experience around money, business and career, and there will always be up and down times, you can be with it. You don't add any suffering to the suffering. The old stuff has been allowed, felt and healed and so now what?

Now what beliefs are truth? What thoughts are real? Now that you can be with whatever arises and feel, observe and allow, you get to choose what you want to consciously experience. You get to now create all that you desire in your business, career or around money. Now that you've cleared out the old, you can start afresh, anew! A blank canvas is ready ... what do you choose to paint?

So it looks like it's going to be an eventful year around money, business and our careers. Perhaps take some time in January to write a few things down that you're currently challenged by in this area and what you'd love to see unfold by December 2016. And then let it go! 

If you'd like a more personal Tarot Reading for your 2016 I've discounted readings to $49.00 for an hour in January so feel free to email me mish@meditationwithmish.com to book in either face-to-face or skype-to-skype. 

And however your 2016 pans out, mostly I wish for you to be present along the journey, relish in the agony and ecstacy of being human and enjoy the ride!

Peace, love, agony & ecstacy ;-)