In 2005 when I was 24 I got married. I am lucky I had the choice to get married, however I chose it because I thought that it would take away my loneliness, that it would make me feel special, that I would somehow feel like all the Disney Princesses I’d seen: elated, whole & complete.
My 24 year old self did not know what marriage was really all about, and so upon realising that none of these wishes were coming to pass, I began a long and tiresome search for the man who would make me feel elated, whole & complete.
Cheating ensued. Separation shortly followed. A quick divorce and then a hell of a lot of dating. Short dates lasting an evening, long dates lasting a couple of months or six, usually it would average around the 6 week mark. It would end as soon as I found out that, whichever particular man I was dating, was in fact a regular human. Shortly after I’d be off again to find my Prince Charming. That perfect “one” for me. Who would make my life all white horses and singing birds.
Don’t get me wrong dating was fun. Meeting lots of different people from different backgrounds, with different hopes and dreams. I’ve experienced more restaurants around Melbourne than most restaurant critics, many gifts and beauty treatments, and had many a weekend away. I've experienced a lot of generosity and for those times I am truly grateful. But interestingly, these short lived dating encounters never gave me what I truly desired.
At the time, I didn’t know what I truly desired. I thought it was Prince Charming but what I learned was I actually craved commitment. The journey of commitment. The kind of commitment that I had attempted way back when I was 24. But it wasn’t about “being married”.
Let me explain.
Cheating ensued. Separation shortly followed. A quick divorce and then a hell of a lot of dating. Short dates lasting an evening, long dates lasting a couple of months or six, usually it would average around the 6 week mark. It would end as soon as I found out that, whichever particular man I was dating, was in fact a regular human. Shortly after I’d be off again to find my Prince Charming. That perfect “one” for me. Who would make my life all white horses and singing birds.
Don’t get me wrong dating was fun. Meeting lots of different people from different backgrounds, with different hopes and dreams. I’ve experienced more restaurants around Melbourne than most restaurant critics, many gifts and beauty treatments, and had many a weekend away. I've experienced a lot of generosity and for those times I am truly grateful. But interestingly, these short lived dating encounters never gave me what I truly desired.
At the time, I didn’t know what I truly desired. I thought it was Prince Charming but what I learned was I actually craved commitment. The journey of commitment. The kind of commitment that I had attempted way back when I was 24. But it wasn’t about “being married”.
Let me explain.
Throughout my late 20s, I was also studying. I studied Naturopathy, Meditation Teaching, Life Coaching & Kundalini Yoga. I also did many a personal development course, read countless books and participated in 10 day grueling silent meditation retreats. It was during a Kundalini Yoga class that I experienced my true desire for commitment.
If you’ve ever experienced a Kundalini Yoga class you know what I mean and if you haven’t, you should google that sh*t. Go to a class in your area this week!
So we were doing some hand and arm movements for much longer than anybody half sane would have liked, and suddenly I had a deep realisation. If I wanted to get to the end of this torture, to commit to seeing it though, I had to make friends with it. I had to accept and surrender to the very strong, and sometimes truly agonising, sensations I was experiencing.
And so I did. I let go of my resistance, I let go of the stories in my head that this shouldn’t be happening, I accepted the pain and I committed to seeing it through to the end.
Following that realisation, something very profound happened. I transcended my sensation. I felt like I could continue with that particular movement forever. I felt this overwhelming peace and love for myself exactly as I was. No matter what I was experiencing. My commitment and subsequent surrender soared me to heights I had never experienced. And depths of peace I'd never encountered.
And it was all through committing. Through thick and thin. Through extreme arm pain or not. Through the good times and the bad.
So we were doing some hand and arm movements for much longer than anybody half sane would have liked, and suddenly I had a deep realisation. If I wanted to get to the end of this torture, to commit to seeing it though, I had to make friends with it. I had to accept and surrender to the very strong, and sometimes truly agonising, sensations I was experiencing.
And so I did. I let go of my resistance, I let go of the stories in my head that this shouldn’t be happening, I accepted the pain and I committed to seeing it through to the end.
Following that realisation, something very profound happened. I transcended my sensation. I felt like I could continue with that particular movement forever. I felt this overwhelming peace and love for myself exactly as I was. No matter what I was experiencing. My commitment and subsequent surrender soared me to heights I had never experienced. And depths of peace I'd never encountered.
And it was all through committing. Through thick and thin. Through extreme arm pain or not. Through the good times and the bad.
So here’s what I’ve learned for myself through marriage, divorce & Kundalini Yoga; Commitment is the secret ingredient to spiritual growth. And the commitment of marriage, to me, is now another opportunity to grow spiritually. Through the good times and the bad. I see marriage as another chance, because it's a practice of commitment, to access inner peace.
It is a commitment to stay with another flawed (and lets be honest, sometimes highly annoying) human so that you can get the spiritual gold out of the journey. There will be pain. There will be resistance. But in this commitment there is an opportunity to make friends with this pain, to accept and surrender to whatever is being slapped in your face. To give up being right. Give up holding strong on your mind-made position. To make friends with the good and bad. And suddenly, spiritual transcendence. Inner peace.
Inner Peace, experienced through committing to a relationship with another human.
Side Note: I didn’t expect a desire to arise in me to mention same sex marriage (in Australia we are currently being surveyed on whether we agree or disagree with the laws being changed to allow same sex couples to marry), but as it has, I wanted to mention that I believe this opportunity for spiritual growth and inner peace through the commitment to another human should be offered to everyone who is courageous enough to take it. That's a yes from me!
Over the month of September, I have been guiding my Online Meditation Community through Kundalini Meditations and other forms of Meditation around Commitment. Because it’s obviously not just marriage where where we can use commitment to surrender and access inner peace and stability.
The opportunity is everywhere in our lives. We can use commitment in our eating habits, in our careers or businesses, in our exercise, in transforming our addictions, in anything we aspire to create in the world.
When you commit to anything, you realise you have to make friends with whatever shows up along the journey. Because there will be inevitable ups and downs, you must surrender to see it through. Through commitment and surrender you experience transcending pain and struggle. You transcend fear of failure. You transcend your resistance.
Inner Peace, experienced through committing to a relationship with another human.
Side Note: I didn’t expect a desire to arise in me to mention same sex marriage (in Australia we are currently being surveyed on whether we agree or disagree with the laws being changed to allow same sex couples to marry), but as it has, I wanted to mention that I believe this opportunity for spiritual growth and inner peace through the commitment to another human should be offered to everyone who is courageous enough to take it. That's a yes from me!
Over the month of September, I have been guiding my Online Meditation Community through Kundalini Meditations and other forms of Meditation around Commitment. Because it’s obviously not just marriage where where we can use commitment to surrender and access inner peace and stability.
The opportunity is everywhere in our lives. We can use commitment in our eating habits, in our careers or businesses, in our exercise, in transforming our addictions, in anything we aspire to create in the world.
When you commit to anything, you realise you have to make friends with whatever shows up along the journey. Because there will be inevitable ups and downs, you must surrender to see it through. Through commitment and surrender you experience transcending pain and struggle. You transcend fear of failure. You transcend your resistance.
The challenge still remains, the pain, the resistance, the struggle, but it is no longer the star of the show. Your commitment is.
Because you’re committed, you get curious about what you're faced with and ask questions rather than make statements and judgements. Instead you ask “how am I going to get through this?”, rather judging your experience, “I can't get through this, it's too f*cking hard, I’m going to throw in the towel.”
I know that when you commit to something the journey can be confronting and challenging. My marriage is testimony to that. I also know it's so easy to head straight for the judgements rather than the questions and then give up when you really want to create change.
That's why very soon I am sharing an online preview screening to my Planning Workshop “A Heart Led Year” that I'll be teaching in the New Year to give you a head start and support you in your 2018 commitments.
Second Side Note: I have absolutely nothing against divorce. I am a divorcee and it’s given me so many gifts. There are times when it is appropriate to leave a situation. If you've truly surrendered, let go of your firmly held beliefs, given up being right and nothing has shifted, this could be the next step in your spiritual growth. There could be a new kind of commitment you can forge together.
In my next marriage, or business project, or exercise regime or healthy eating plan, I will commit knowing that it’s going to be one hell of a spiritual journey. Not because I want the end result of white horses and singing birds.
I will commit BECAUSE I know the journey will be a challenge, because I know I’ll be confronted, because I know my commitment will support me to ask the right questions. Because I know that I’ll face myself and I will have to let go of many of my tightly held beliefs and ways of doing things.
Because I know that when I surrender to any commitment, I’ve instantly accessed what I’ve been looking for my whole life ...
Inner Peace.
Because you’re committed, you get curious about what you're faced with and ask questions rather than make statements and judgements. Instead you ask “how am I going to get through this?”, rather judging your experience, “I can't get through this, it's too f*cking hard, I’m going to throw in the towel.”
I know that when you commit to something the journey can be confronting and challenging. My marriage is testimony to that. I also know it's so easy to head straight for the judgements rather than the questions and then give up when you really want to create change.
That's why very soon I am sharing an online preview screening to my Planning Workshop “A Heart Led Year” that I'll be teaching in the New Year to give you a head start and support you in your 2018 commitments.
Second Side Note: I have absolutely nothing against divorce. I am a divorcee and it’s given me so many gifts. There are times when it is appropriate to leave a situation. If you've truly surrendered, let go of your firmly held beliefs, given up being right and nothing has shifted, this could be the next step in your spiritual growth. There could be a new kind of commitment you can forge together.
In my next marriage, or business project, or exercise regime or healthy eating plan, I will commit knowing that it’s going to be one hell of a spiritual journey. Not because I want the end result of white horses and singing birds.
I will commit BECAUSE I know the journey will be a challenge, because I know I’ll be confronted, because I know my commitment will support me to ask the right questions. Because I know that I’ll face myself and I will have to let go of many of my tightly held beliefs and ways of doing things.
Because I know that when I surrender to any commitment, I’ve instantly accessed what I’ve been looking for my whole life ...
Inner Peace.
I'd love to support you in your commitments. If you find committing hard and confronting but you know you're ready to make changes, check out my Online Meditation Group or come join the Preview Screening of “A Heart Led Year”.
Truly committed,
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